I thought I knew the alphabet...

So, apparently I don't know my own fucking language. True story. The other day, my first day of class i was asked by the teacher to teach the kids three new letters; J-L. Okay. Easy, right?

o_O

She starts off by showing me how they do it. Instead of the way we do it with the rectangular box and the dotted line in the middle:

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they use this:

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o0o0o0okay.

So I went to use my way... the way I was taught... you know. In America. A place where the English language is taught as the mother tongue, the primary language... numero uno. But we'll do it your way I tell her.

So, I make a "J", uppercase. She comes over and says, "that's not right."

I look at her like she has three heads and wait for her to show me what's wrong with my "J". A Letter I happen to be quite familiar with, as my wife's first name begins with this letter. My brother's middle initial begins with it. My son's middle initial begins with it, as does my cousin Timmy's and about a hundred other people I can name. Including the uber famous Joe Nelson.

O_o

So she shows me what's wrong by erasing the end parts of the top of the "J" and tells me they are too long.

Oo0o0o0okay.

So I make the lower case "J" and she fixes it by placing it the way it should be in the Chinese box. Damn my American dotted line. And all this time I thought I knew. huh huh huh. Silly me... I was wrong.

So next... "K"

I make a "K" and what follows.

Eueueugh? ::with stupid head tilt::

You would have thought I drew a stick figure with a giant penis on the board for the reaction she gave me. She asks if that is how we really make "K's" in America. I thought about how much I am being paid and bit my tongue from replying "no, not at all. This is what we're told to teach in foreign countries to confuse you."

So I "Fix" my "K" to the way she can recognize it. I'm about ready to explode as I don't appreciate some one telling me I am writing the letters of the alphabet wrong. I have been writing the godforsaken things for nearly thirty years and there are only 26 of them. I've mastered the goddamn alphabet you dumb bitch. I know how they work a little better than you.

But what do you know... I got one right. My lowercase "K" and hers... they're the same. Woo hoo.

::twirls index finger in circle::

on deck... the letter "L."

So I write my "L" and once again it gets corrected. I let out a l ong sigh and stare at her. This is getting a little ridiculous now. I'm one step away from letting her have a piece of my oral English in real timne.. not the 1/4 speed I talk at so people can understand me and feel good about their listening skills. But there is only one lowercase "L" left to write, class is almost over and I wouldn't mind keeping this job. So I let it go...

::release long breathe::

She fixes my "L" and tells me the bottom is too long and shortens it. Mind you... the bottom of the "L" came to almost the half way point the way it should. Let's keep going though.

Here it is... the moment of truth.

With internal dialogue kicking like "A Christmas Carol" I can hear that voice in my head going, you got this one kid. A straight line down from top to bottom. The easiest letter to write. Do it!

So I start from the top line and I go down to the third line (don't worry your pretty little head about it, it's Chinese rules and not our awesome dotted line in the middle which makes more sense) and...

BAM!!!

I nailed it.

So I thought.

That's not right.

My arm falls dead against my side, my head whips around like a hungry snake and I give this bitch the O_o like a jehova witness at my door on Sunday.

now i'm pissed.

"What's wrong with it?"

"it doesn't have the loop on the bottom. In China this is how we write an "l."

My head said: "WELL BITCH THIS IS ENGLISH FROM AMER-I-CA AND I KNOW HOW THE SHIT WORKS AND THAT'S WHY THEY PAY ME IN ONE HOUR WHAT YOU MAKE ALL WEEK (literally they do :D), SO PISS OFF!!!"

O_o

but i haver he rshow me her "loop."

Asshole.

That's an Italic lowercase "l."

I get out the book that the school provides for me and...

BAM!!!

I show her.

I explain what italics are and use my book as proof but she does not want to hear it.

So fuck it. I pray they let me show them from M to Z. there's gonan be 29 letters now and the rest will be backwards numbers and shit.

Not really. th ekids don't deserve that, but what the shit man. Don't bring me in to teach and have me show them your half breed chinglish nonsense.

But whatever. After tha tpoint I realized I am nothing more than a dancing bear there to speak English so they can hear it natively and for the prestige of the school so they can sell themselves to parents who feel their child will get a better education at such a prestigious private school.

::sigh::

I get paid every two weeks. As long as my big bag O' money is there... we cool.

Shit. Mickey Mantle can be the 23rd president and the entire west coast is really in black and white and color came to that region in the 60's. that's why T.V. was like that. And we really obtained all our technology from the giant robot Megatron. He is in Area 51.

I think I need a can of Alphabet soup or the cereal with the letters in it mailed to me. When they askme to teach more I'll just open the can or the cereal box, throw it on the floor and all over like a pinatta exploding and walk out.